To be languid and without motion. A place to sit but lean at the same time. A place to while and bide the time away. The purpose of porch sitting is to do nothing as efficiently as possible. One may exert energy only when raising a drink or smoking instrument up to one’s mouth. Key elements of porch sitting are as follows: A porch, stoop and/or small front patio, a drink (iced or warm depending on the season) something to watch in an idle way such as the breeze flowing through the trees or people walking by. If one wishes to porch sit alone, it is acceptable, but it is better when with other people. Porch sitting is unbiased, anyone may sit and enjoy life passing them by regardless of race, creed or culture.
When porch sitting with others conversation topics should be as follows: Weather, sports, idle gossip and crop rotations. All conversations should be in the following format. Examples:
‘Weather’s gonna turn on us soon.’
‘Wheat field will need tilling in a month.’
‘Hear about the Henderson’s murder/suicide?’
It is a conversation format that encourages sharing information, but remains noncommittal and without substance. The best of both worlds.
Appropriate porch foods are as follows: Peanuts in shell, sunflower seeds, crackers and cheese, uncut whole fruit, anything that can be gnawed or chewed for several hours.
Porch drinks: Gin and tonic, Mint Julip, whisky/coke, coffee or tea, or jug of alcohol with XXX written on the side. Children may drink lemonade if they’re well behaved.
Porch activities: Idling, leaning, swatting flies, playing backgammon, rocking, napping, plucking an instrument, being chastised by your drunk diabetic grandmother, doing your homework because you sure ain’t gonna get by on your looks alone.
Best time to porch sit: Before, during and after dusk when the breeze washes over you and the stars glimmer ever so slightly.